I’ve put my anxiety disorder out there quite a bit. I generally have a self help book (or 7) on my night table and at least 3-4 hypnosis apps on my iPad. I’ve tried years of therapy, acupuncture, meditation, buying therapeutic oils and stress relief gadgets. I’ve visited a medium, have several daily inspirationals that I check into and oh yeah, I’ve taken 75mg of Effexor for over 20 years. Are these a cure? I try to keep it positive as the alternative “feel goods”, well I have seen them do more harm than good.  Being frozen, imagining and overthinking EVERYTHING! feels like crap so my continued attempts at self improvement is the only option.  Now I’m (finally) doing what my functional dr. tells me:  basically eating paleo and freakin exercise (ugh from someone that never had to exercise to “burn off” weight!)

Moving or relocating for those of us who have a hard time stepping out of our comfort zone can be traumatic. However for me, moving to the shore, to a “deserted island”, has been somewhat selfishly a welcome relief. I say selfishly because John basically has the opposite of an anxiety disorder and had very mixed feelings about claiming this seasonal but mostly off-season place as his home. I am absolutely convinced that anxiety is inherited, so no beating myself up over this.

Here on LBI, for 9 months of the year I get to step outside and the world I see is sometimes more than enough. The fresh air, the clarity of the water, the color of the sunsets (and sunrises!), the stars at night, and seeing the ocean and the dune grasses sparkle astounds and overwhelms me.  Sometimes when life seems unbearably shitty, I walk up to the top of the dunes, thinking I’m going to sit there and cry but each time I end up feeling lucky to be here and to experience the view in front of me.    Yes, anxiety is exhausting, always waiting for bad news or trying to navigate normal responsibilities and tasks seems overwhelming and sometimes I just crack.  They say the “crystal” (quartz) in the sand is “grounding” and now I believe it!

I’ve gotten to know people that I sense are like me; a walk on the beach with their dog in the evening is everything they ever imagined. When you run into them, or spend time with them, you generally have a conversation deeper than you’ve had in a while – and I wonder if it’s the “soothing loneliness” and “bittersweet nothingness” that makes them reveal more of themselves than I’m used to and me to them as well. Sunday morning at the pancake house is an exciting event.

“In season” the island increases its population 10-fold. I personally have come to love that too for several reasons. First of all it’s the time when my kids and their friends want to visit and I soooo can’t wait for that!  I love being a mom and around the people that “get me”!  Then, I feel insulated, actually blanketed by droves of people that I don’t know. I have the option of whether I feel the need to talk or react to them in any way. There is no pressure and no fear of judgement or feeling awkward around any of them. And I wonder why this is because music concerts send me into freeze mode! But somehow I feel safe with all of them around.

A 15 year old beating me down for a badge on MY beach and then barely even being able to find a good spot is majorly annoying and sometimes makes me hesitant to even go to the beach.  I can still be intimidated by 15 year olds on a mission and of course, crowds! However, it’s also comforting to know you’re in this amazing place that 1000s of people want to flock to if only for a week. The vibe is love of family, and indulgence – to have the best time while you’re here on LBI, or this earth for that matter. Finally, when you see your “off season” friends we have that look that we give each other that we have the best kept secret of all and the cozy, bittersweet nothingness will be here again in just a few short weeks.

Anxiety and key words: “a somewhat deserted island” – so far, perfect together!