I really don’t like sappy songs. I like the songs that have heartbeat and makes you want to move. I couldn’t think of a title for this blog post and for some reason “I started a joke, that got the whole world spinning”… just came into my head and will probably stay there for at least the day. Ugh!

Yesterday I found a post on Facebook that explained where I feel I am in this life of searching for – me. And in this blog I was/am determined to search for “us”, this time of life with my spouse as well. It’s so interesting that I believe we are both unraveling from who we thought we were and as we unravel find that we really go in very different directions. Yeah, there are the core things that we connect on: our kids, our grandkids, love of “houses” and structures, food (sort of), simplification, love of watching tv (thank God), openness to trying new technology, city living, needing to have a dog (!), to name a few. But then there are the nuances of just about everything that we seem to be at odds about.

We were on auto-pilot until our kids left the nest. Luckily, these days kids are hanging around much longer which may be keeping marriages together longer and also keeping us feeling younger and like “parents” forever, well, we actually are IMO. In any event it isn’t until this period where we are actually taking a look at ourselves and where we lost what it was that we might have really been meant for in this world.

For I’m going to say, more than 40 years we thought we knew who we wanted to be and what was important and now we question just about everything. Even during the dating years we were presenting what we thought we wanted in each other and in the world. We had role models and parents that we wanted to please and to live up to. We wanted to be respected, admired, and attract the “right” kind of “success”. In doing so we built this person or this couple that sometimes we don’t even know. Sometimes we look at each other like “who are you?” But other times the unraveling can be good. We get peeks at who we used to be and what actually brought us together. It’s been nice, I also think, to be surprised at this age of what each other can bring to the table or the likes and dislikes that can be revealed now without the fear of having to adjust to be – something.

It’s not that it’s not scary. It’s crazy scary! Over the years I felt that the times I really revealed myself, people disappeared. I now understand the term that I might have been “too much”. People who are trying to present a certain persona do not want to relate to those that are trying to get off the train that is pulling us here, there and everywhere for more, more, more or a certain level of “success”. I put everything back into the animal or caveperson world and because we want to belong to the strongest and most successful tribe, giving up on that push goes against the grain of evolution. We’ve actually evolved to build a “persona” and a shield that protects us from “failure” or being an “outcast” for whatever reason.

That’s what struck me about the Facebook post yesterday. It was about not being there yet but feeling the “outline” of what I could become. It was about feeling where I fit in and don’t and having the courage to live in public rather than in my head. It’s about rather than feeling like I’m a damaged person, thinking more about what I learned from my experiences. I’ve been experimenting with this “unraveling” too and found that people like – me.

And it doesn’t even matter if anyone even reads this blog that I started. It will not have the whole world spinning! But our crazy differences and how we each navigate our journey is what makes this world go round.