Here we are with all of our adult kids being out of the house now for at least 10 years and we still think and worry about them every single day. If they are okay, we are okay and those periods of being “okay” are getting longer and longer. I don’t feel like and “adult” myself and still wonder what it is I’m going to do with “the rest of my life”. So-called retirement doesn’t seem like a good option for us, the retirement we were told we should go about anyway. It’s just not happening.

We are not golfers. John plays pickleball and bikes. My knees have been my weak spot forever so I don’t push much of anything. I should be working to strengthen these knees but I believe in slow and steady – wins the race. I’m active and I love physical work, getting sweaty and taking a long, hot bath is one of my very favorite things. I’m sort of dreading the air conditioning coming on as I look forward to a good sweat and my summer hair which is thick and curly. Once we enter the fake air bubble, it’s blankets and sweatshirts in the house again and then being outside somehow becomes – unbearable – and I don’t get to feel great about my curly hair.

In my head it still matters what I look like and like many of the posts on social media, I wish I had appreciated my body and my looks when I had them. I know what I want to look like and I wonder if it’s obtainable and if it actually even matters at this point. I’m proud of my flexibility and my ability to “squat” and to get up off the floor. In my head I’m unstoppable from doing anything I really, really want to do which is a blessing and a curse. My latest “obsession” is getting out on a real rowing shell on the Schuykill River even though I have never rowed in my life. In my 40s I finally gave up dreams of being an Olympic skater and and Olympic gymnast even though I couldn’t ever turn a cartwheel or standup straight on skates, so there’s time for me to process my crazy idea of getting out on the river and quietly rowing at least once a week.

What I find interesting is the different types of “retirement” and the parents and grandparents us boomers have become. There’s those that merrily move to Florida, see the kids and grandkids 3-4 times a year but spend all of their bonus time driving golf carts and dancing to Jimmy Buffet cover bands down at the Villages. There’s the no-way-Im-a-snow-bird couples that do pretty much the same up North. Personally I love the seasons and winter has become my new favorite, even though my winter hair is awful!, because I love the darkness, the slowness and the lack of pressure to do anything so moving to a warmer climate, is not on our radar. I also couldn’t stand to not be a stone’s throw away from helping out with babysitting our grandkids when I’m needed.

I remember when I had little kids and I had zero help. In my mind I’d repeat daily about how I would never not be available to my adult kids. When I was growing up, my grandmother lived in my house, my mother’s mother. She basically saved my life as well as my other friends who would come over and eat her delicious homemade food, listen to her stories and learn to make whatever craft she was patient enough to teach us. I grew up in a house with A LOT of chaos going on around us and my grandmother taught me how to lay low, make anything I ever wanted and just worry about becoming a decent human and have some fun. I am determined to pass along some of my “wisdom” to anyone that will listen at this point and make myself available for whatever support I can give during this life.

I’ve been told over and over “they’re adults you know and you don’t have any influence on them nor should you now”. Hmmm… I have a really hard time holding back after all the lessons I’ve learned that I wasn’t ready to even accept until a ripe old-ish age. Not to mention that I think they really appreciate me/us and that we have turned into “service providers” while we still can provide any services. Being able to fix a broken door, mow the lawn or help paint a room makes us feel somewhat youthful even though they have taken to paying the bill at the restaurants lately. Although, I guess dancing the night away to a Jimmy Buffet cover band might make us feel that way as well.

In any event, while I feel like I have all this “wisdom” to impart, I feel like I’m not done yet, not fully cooked, not even a real adult yet! I hope when and if I figure it out, it’s not too late like it was with my skating and gymnast career.