I just noticed that there are two times of the year that I go into a GIANT FUNK! From Thanksgiving till Christmas and then the entire month of May. I know why the holidays bring me down but I never really examined what was bothering me while the days are getting warmer, the flowers are blooming and the sunsets are just amazing. It didn’t make sense. Not to mention that the Spring is filled with birthdays and my anniversary, Mother’s Day, Memorial Day Weekend and my birthday. BINGO!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my life. It is incredibly full and I love thinking about it as a journey of adventure, growing and just overcoming obstacles from which we need to put pieces together and learn from. I love my family, my kids make me whole and my grandkids, wow! I never imagined how much joy they would bring me! I am a much different person today than I was even 10 years ago and much different from growing up in Levittown, LI where we were in a bubble of sorts of WWII Veterans that were giving us our do or die lessons about thriving and surviving. In my world, it was a lot of whacko bs handed down from my parents who had undiagnosed PTSD and that’s why the buzz words “generational trauma” holds a lot of weight – for me. For many others it was heavenly and the best childhoods ever, pre technology and raw, nurturing and fun. I hold onto the “sweet” moments in probably an unhealthy way.

My “trifecta”, Mothers’ Day, my anniversary and my birthday fill me with good memories and expectations of old times, of growing up and feeling moments where life, and my family, were something to be proud of and just right.

The Mothers’ Days I remember were when I went to church and I saw the mothers parading around like peacocks, wearing corsages. The color of the corsage indicated whether your mother was alive or had passed. Red or pink meant your mother was alive, white meant she was dead. I thought this was the most beautiful tribute and I couldn’t wait to someday get my corsage. It never occurred to me that I might not be alive or I might not have kids.

My memories of an “anniversary” was based on another tradition and that is that my parents were married on the 4th of July. Each year we went to my mother’s brother’s home which was an old farmhouse in Massapequa. The entire house was decorated in everything red, white and blue. My aunt made the BEST lasagna ever (I was always a “foodie”) and they had dogs, cats and rabbits that I hung out with in the back yard. In the evening we went outside and sat in lawn chairs to watch the fireworks. The older people (drank their bloody heads off) sang old songs and talked about how great it was that my parents had gotten married on this very special day. Life was good.

Third in line, during the month of May, is my birthday. In my early years my mother held several birthday parties where the guests were treated more like the “birthday girl” than I was. Everyone got major prizes that were like presents and everyone wore a crown. It was like we were the house that gave out the full sized candy bars on Halloween and everyone wanted to come to MY birthday party! That was only maybe 2 or 3 times before my parents thought all of the fanfare was a lot of nonsense and ended up leaving me a card with money in it before I got up for breakfast and before they went to work. There was a few times my grandmother made cupcakes that I could bring to school and that was – amazing. But it became more about being with my friends and hopefully the card contained enough money to buy something cool at my favorite stores: Imagination or Pants Plus.

In the meantime, I still longed for one of the corsages with candy all over it, that told how old you were by the number of candies that were hanging off of it. I’d sneak over to look at them in the card section at TSS (Times Square Stores) every now and then. I really really wanted the one with the Tootsie Rolls. I guess corsages was a big thing for me and I have no idea why.

Fast forward to meeting my husband who is from a big family that celebrated EVERYTHING. We wouldn’t think of not showing up for Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day, birthdays, or big anniversaries without a ta-do of sorts and a gift – usually a shirt, sweater, or “jogging suit” (as my mother in law called them) from Gertz or A&S at the time. Because I needed to show participation and respect for my in-laws, I also needed to show the same amount of care towards my own parents, even though my parents thought all of this was a lot of unnecessary hoopla.

So my “trifecta” has me filled with hopes, dreams and reality, and a combination of everything from the above. Mothers’ Day these days goes by with a phone call or a text. There are definitely no corsages but then again, there is definitely no church. I no longer go to church because I asked myself many questions about the beliefs of the church and found it was not a good fit for me. My chest tightens every time I think about all the scandals and I’m actually quite relieved to not have had to participate in a mass in any way for quite a while. I knew Mothers’ Day as a celebration that was led by the “church” and it has really let me down. Like my parents, and definitely through me, my kids also feel that Mothers’ Day is a made up holiday so even though they have kids, their expectations are minimal. I don’t know why, but this makes me feel sad, maybe the word is blah about it.

My anniversary is marked by nothing, not a decoration, not a big deal, only that yeah we have been “in it to win it”. That’s is “admirable” to some and I think it means something to my kids. I wanted to role model what a good marriage/commitment looked like, even with all of our faults. Out of the 10 people in our wedding party, there are only 2 that are still married. We are a rarity. However, this comes with the cost of comparing today’s unions with yesterday’s. Today young adults aren’t getting married until they are mostly in their 30s and thinking of every which way to find their soulmate/partner/teammate/lover/protector/teacher/cheerleader, you name it before making the leap or if ever. We, on the other hand, only had ideals and a swift kick in the ass from our parents before we got out of the house, only to get married. Living together was “scandalous” in some families (mine and my husband’s) and so you dove right in. (BTW – I did wear a corsage, rather than carry a bouquet, on my wedding day!)

Marriage was a shit show of finding out how and if you could live with another human who had been brought up in a way that you couldn’t even fathom. Luckily all the emphasis was placed on excelling at work and bringing in enough $$ to keep buying bigger houses and providing++ opportunities for a family. I say “luckily” because this meant that you probably wouldn’t see each other that much and life was on auto pilot where you never got to examine who you were or how you really wanted to navigate this life together. You did what needed to be done based on who you were told, or thought you were SUPPOSED to be. No, there was never any decorations or fireworks on our anniversary. My kids ended up thinking I was kind of nuts because I CHOSE to be that mom that took care of everything. I so wanted to be one of those 50s housewives while that was being looked upon as Ugh. I knew I could “do it all”. I wanted everything I thought all the other kids had and I was determined to “have it all” – to the detriment of being any kind of role model and- pretty much losing my mind! Actually my wanting to be a 1950s housewife with a house full of kids and my spouse’s understanding that “men were providers” made us a great match!. Anniversaries today are spent quietly. This year we went to a play and went out for pizza afterward and the day passed and somehow I ended up feeling down again.

The final event of my Spring funk is my birthday. Again, (like my parents I guess!) I basically taught my kids that none of us NEED a thing. Yes, I’ve been privileged. I have always had a roof over my head, food on the table and clothes to wear. I’m also a creative and have been able to conjure up ideas of where I’d fit in to make money over the years. And my husband, John, got the message early on in life that he was going to be a “provider”. We’ve always had more than we ever NEEDED. And while my family was growing I also felt that since we already attended way too many family events, that my birthday was a non-event. If anything, all I wanted to do was “rest”! With 4 kids in tow from NJ to Long Island, going to a multiple of adult and kid’s birthday parties plus anniversaries and holidays well, I can only say that my demeanor about trucking to Long Island at least once a month was less than great. I did not want to get in the car again.

And now I get to “rest” at each and every one of my life events that comes along in the month of May which I can only thank myself. Given the choice of anything I’d like to do and anything I’d want, I know I would say “I’d like nothing and I’d like to rest”. Rest and receive a text or a phone call and sometimes a random happy face or meme. Yes, there’s also FaceBook which I keep claiming I’m going to quit and yet keep putting more stuff like this out there but to be honest, those messages with the hint of a life from the past actually saves the day. Me and “my spouse” spend the days quietly passing. No need for gifts and we generally walk around the corner for a burger or a slice of pizza, life is good.

Before we made our move to Philadelphia I asked the Universe to help me find “my people” and to guide us to a place with more “funk and grit”. Philadelphia offers the funk and grit that we were looking for but the Universe has brought me way more “FUNK” than I need. So now I ask the Universe for the “funk” of being around more colorful people and places vs. the heavy weight of nostalgia and melancholy that comes over me as we kick start one of the best times of the year. I know a lot of it has to do with unreal expectations that were formed eons ago and I ask the Universe to help me just “get over it”. I know that I am loved and that my connections today are more deliberate and authentic and really, I know that I NEED nothing. And as much as I hate to admit it, my parents were probably right, there was a lot of unnecessary hoopla, although also a lot of fun. I also know we live in a very different world, one where people are even more spread out – and spread thin – and that no longer contains – corsages. 😦